Monday, January 09, 2006

A Moment of Silence for Good Music...

*Please allow me this opportunity to take a break from our regularly scheduled program to vent...*

Every once in a while a song comes out that truly is special. A composition of steaming feces that completely surpasses every and any previous attempt to completely redefine musical levels of utter stupidity, entering unexplored realms of a whole new category of retarded. Adjectives such as "bootycake" and "hot garbage" fail to fully describe the complete wackness of these crimes against humanity; falling short at adequately describing just how thoroughly it sucks 'taint. Songs that make you want to bathe in gravy, strap on steak-boxers, and hurl yourself into a pit of rabid hyena. You know, songs like "Cha Cha Slide" and "My Neck, My Back".

Enter "My Humps" by Fergie N'nym -- I mean, Black Eyed Peas. I thought "Laffy Taffy" was the newly-crowned champ, with it's Fisher Price My First Keyboard, Down's Syndrome Chimpanze banging on a drum machine beat (dum-dum-dum). But, ah -- how short its reign would be.

Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps, in my cultural myopia, I fail to recognize the genius conveyed through lyrics such as:

"You don't want no drama/ No no drama/ no no no no drama."

Or this gem:

"I'ma get get get get you drunk/ Get you love drunk off my hump/ My hump my hump my hump/ my hump my hump my hump /my hump my hump my lovely lady lumps/"

Yeah.

My bad. I didn't realize that attaining anything beyond a kindergarten reading level was a bad career choice for aspiring songsmiths. Why does this sound like it was witten by a drunken, Alzheimers-ridden baboon with tourettes? Maybe it's just me.

Transformers - roll out!

And what the fuck are these "lovely lady lumps"?! Is this some type of disease? Should I be scared? Because, from where I'm sitting, Fergie provides the perfect example of an absolute complete lack of ass on a human being. At first I felt sorry for her. Honestly, I thought she'd been in some horrible accident involving heavy farming equipment or wild beasts. Then I realized, nope, this bitch just has no discernable ass whatsoever (or any other feminine curves). Her lower back just sorta oozes into her thighs. You get the feeling that if she tried to sit down something would crack. Even worse, she became the role-model for assless chicks all across America, and on any given Saturday night across the country you could walk into a club and be a witness to boney-ass, six-o'clock chicks shaking the hell out of their pockets and popping their spines (because, in all honesty, that's all that's being accomplished). The type of chicks that seem not to notice that their tail bone is not supposed to be visible through their jeans (in case you're a young lady wondering if this applies to you: if you have any shorts, sweats, etc. which have something written on the ass - we're not supposed to be able to read what it says. A proper assOn a good, proper ass, at least two of the letters will completely disappear -- right smack dab in the middle. The same goes for a thong -- you're not supposed to see the string. If it's visible, yes, I'm talking to, and about, you.)

So, what are these "humps"? Looking at the manly-ass chick singin' the song, my best guess would have to be an Adam's Apple, which is just truly terrifying. You're right, I don't want no drama. Fuck me bein' the guy who gets stomped out by the transvestite, I just can't afford that type of loss in cool points.

I really shouldn't be suprised, coming from Black Eyed Peas, though. I was never a fan, but at one time they actually were hip hop. They were b-boys who put on a hell of a show, and Will came out and ciphered with some of us afterwards once. But every since they ran up on the Disney chick, it's just been downhill. Can't say they didn't warn us, though: What was that song called? Oh, yeah -- "Let's Get Retarded". At least they were keepin' it real.

4 comments:

I Am said...

I was taken in. I bought a Black Eyed Peas album a few months back. After listening to the lyrics, I can no longer hear them without cracking up laughing.

Delta said...

Haha, good analysis of the song and especially the deal about the flat asses, it desperately needed to be said.

breakerslion said...

Just when I think it can't get any worse, someone promotes a "product" with so little talent that one has to break out the negative numbers to measure it.

One of my best friends just happens to be a lobotomized chimpanzee with Tourette's, and he says, "I've crapped out better - stupid motherf-er - lyrics into my hand - eat me - and thrown them at Don Kirshner!"

DUB said...

You got me at work, readin' comments, laughin' my ass off...people are starting to look at me with that apprehensive sorta gaze.