Saturday, October 01, 2005

Why My space dot com Sucks Tain't...

Today I will take a break from my usual mindless variety of posting to reflect and contemplate on one of the more profound things in life...

Do people actually look at their page? Must they put 27 flashing (thanks for the seizure!), scrolling .gifs of tacky-ass sparkly script and roses and angels and fairies and unicorns and rainbows and other various vomit-and-insulin-shock-inducing sugary-sweetness? Why, yes, they must. And let's not forget those cute lil' urban avatar thingies - I love those! I think I'm going to load my page full of cheesy strobe light animations of your skull getting bludgeoned with a claw hammer. Because that's what I want to do to myself when I see your page.

And white was the perfect choice for a font color on that bright-ass background! If only you could - oh, I don't know - make your pictures translucent to the point of transparency. What's that? Oh, you did! That's great.

But that's not enough.

They also have to put three videos AND a song!! Why not?! I actually prefer my music all chopped up into two second chunks. None of that continuous-song shit for me, thank you.

And their half-retarded friends just gotta comment 13 times a day to show them the latest corny-ass annoying shit that they've found.

But, at least they thought ahead: while you're waiting for 25 minutes for the page to load, they've included three or so 47 question surveys so you can know what color socks they're wearing, how many times they've gone to the store this week, and whether or not they like (enter food/TV show/sexual position/serial killer here).

Thanks! I've always wondered which Fraggle you would be. Maybe I should go check out that quiz myself!! Here's one for you: Which antipsychotic do I have to take after even short-term exposure to this steaming pile of bootycake that you call a webpage?

And thanks for the chain letter! I'm sure glad you "love" me. Now, let me get on to sending it to 69 (wow - clever double entendre) other poor unfortunate saps. God forbid I have 10 years of un-love!

Now, pardon me while I take a bat to my monitor...

2 comments:

I Am said...

Wonderfully Carlinesque.

Aaron Kinney said...

LOL you described myspace more accurately than anyone else in the history of the world!

The funny thing is that I have a myspace page too. But Im smart. I didnt mess with the colors and fonts and stuff. Its just a simple page with some atheistic and political junk in it.