"We Work for Loot"...

As if being ass-crack-broke wasn’t enough, I have also all but completely lost contact with pretty much every and anybody I have love for.

During a game of basketball, some dumb ass managed to step on my cell phone. Yes, a basketball court is probably not the best place to put an expensive and essential electronic device, but it really was out of the way. Really. Someone had to be actively searching phones out on some twisted seek-and-destroy mission to get to it. And judging from the damage, he must have weighed about 376 lbs and been line dancing on the damn thing in some steel-toed soccer cleats. That or some serious Frankenstein clodhoppers.

Yes, I probably should’ve backed up my contacts, but hell, who thought the Celebrity Fit Club was going to be doing a rendition of Swan Lake on my dammit phone.

Yes, I should've paid the bill, but it honestly hadn't been the full 120 days past due that Verizon claims. It was more like 113.

So my phone gets cut off...but Verizon's Methods & Procedures clearly states that the Early Termination Fee doesn't set in for 90 days, right? Well, stick a dick in your ear and fuck what you heard, 'cause if they feel like it, it's more like two weeks. And, yes, being past due probably expedites the "write off" process.

So, as of right now, I'm past due $138. My account has been disconnected and "written off," BUT has NOT been turned over to an outside collection agency. Also, my phone number has not been reassigned.

Easy. I scrounge up some money (should be some more dignity left to whore out), pay the balance (including late fees and a reconnect fee), get my service going again, and make an insurance claim (at least I did ONE thing right)...

...nope. Seems I called about 48 hours late. Literally. As of two days before I called good ol' Verizon Wireless, I was officially SOL.

Verizon will be HAPPY to continue having me as a customer (5 years and 4 customer referrals): as long as I pay the remaining balance and fee for breaking my contract, I can then sign up for NEW service. Of course, since I have previously been canceled for non-payment there's the small matter of a $400 security deposit.

So, to sum it all up - because I owe $138, I have to pay $713.63 to regain service.

And get a new phone.

Can you hear me now? Good. Suck my entire penis. This is the same company that accidentally took an extra $100 when I paid a bill last year, which set off a domino-effect of bounced checks and spiraled to almost $300 out of MY pocket after insufficient funds fees and numerous other charges incurred from my lovely banking institution.

The same company that forgot I had free long distance, nights, and weekends, and overcharged me $500 on ONE bill, and when I complained, suggested I pay it, and they'd credit me the excess.

This is the company that thinks that after I pay what I owe, plus the $175 termination fee (for them canceling my contract), I will happily fork over an extra $400 to (essentially) continue my service, instead of just going to the competition.

Well, maybe I'mma forget to pay your ass and accidentally switch to another provider.

Who woulda thought they got James Earl Jones up in there with a wire coat-hanger, gorilla-pimpin' his ass off.

"Pay up, bitch...we work for who?"